Karl Gutwin
kgutwin@brandeis.eduWhen I was younger, I certainly felt that I knew God, although He was more of a policeman than a Savior to me. Going to church was something which needed to be done, and as long as you kept a decent average, I thought, you'd be all set... But church was bland. I knew I loved God, and I could think that He loved me, but whether that reflected in anything other than Sunday morning and random spiritual revelations, I couldn't tell. I skirted with sin, trying to stay as close to that imaginary line between righteousness and unrighteousness as possible.
In high school my parents 'encouraged' me to attend my church's youth group. I felt alienated and alone, despite the friendly nature of my youth pastor and others. There was one time, though, when I attended a retreat... during one of the worship sessions, the band was playing, and everybody was singing -- and I realized something.
Those people, singing praises to God, weren't there because their parents made them. They weren't there because they felt some empty obligation to their Creator. They were there to worship the Living God, because they loved Him...
I went back to my room and started reading- no, devouring- my Bible. What had been an idle thought, to maybe read some of God's Word (because it sounded like a good idea) turned into a thirst, a longing after His heart. That night, I recommitted myself to Him. It was clear, from then on, that my life was going to be different, with a different purpose.
My original struggle, with loneliness and alienation, returned my freshman year at Brandeis. Through God's grace, He has been showing me how His glory comes from my weakness. How I shouldn't settle for spiritual mediocrity, but should always seek to learn from Him. And that His love, poured out through His Church, is sufficient to carry me through any challenge.