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BY DANIEL PIPES Staff Writer  In one of the worst computer glitches ever to hit Brandeis University, eclipsing even the incident in 1993 when President Jehuda Reinharz was somehow caught inside of a wall for 47 minutes, invitations for this year’s Spring Open House were mistakenly sent to rejected students rather than those who were actually admitted. Enrolled students are encouraged to use caution as campus is sure to be overrun by these rejects, many of whom had SAT scores that were too low, were lacking in the amount of AP classes they had successfully completed, or were simply deemed “too athletic” by the Admissions staff. In a related story, 500 Early Decision applicants, upon discovering the types of students that they believed had been admitted to the University, simultaneously committed hara-kiri. According to reports, the problem began a few months ago as Brandeis sent out its acceptance letters. These admitted students, already depressed by their rejection from Harvard and Penn, were cheered up slightly by their acceptance letters to Brandeis, but were also dismayed not to receive a letter inviting them to one of the most exciting days on campus, second only to Smooth Jazz Fusion Day. As it turns out, the Brandeis admissions computers were experiencing “technical difficulties,” where “technical” refers to the Shapiro Admissions Center and “difficulties” is defined as “was on fire.” In the wake of such confusion, one worker apparently sent out the emails to the rejected listserv, which is typically only used to sell the email addresses of rejected students to www.blowmyfish.com, a subsidiary of Google Inc. One of the rejected students, Biff Tannen ‘55, said that he looked forward to not attending Brandeis because of “its spirit of inclusion and social justice, especially towards those with glasses and red hair.” Tannen was heartbroken when he actually came to the school and found out the social justice thing is bullshit. University administrators, realizing the error, are doing their best to make the Spring Open House as friendly as possible to these rejected students. Guests are encouraged to attend a number of special sessions throughout the day, including “What Youhttp://www.blowmyfish.comshapeimage_8_link_0

Why did the man put his car in the oven?


Because he wanted a hot rod!

Hello Prospective Students. What you hold in your hands is a special double-sized issue of The Blowfish, Brandeis’s tastiest media publication. Treasure it dearly, as it will most likely become a collector’s item. But make sure to wash your hands before you touch it. And maybe afterwards too.

Editors

Staff

Contributors

Judah Druck

Leor Galil

Haley Baron

Jordan Goodnough

Arthur Serer

Dan Litwok

Dan “Bubbles” Newman

Liz Rubin

Daniel Orkin

Sam Roos (AWOL)

Anthony Scibelli

   THANK YOU                  FOR READING

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The Blowfish is a Brandeis University publication. It is not a real newspaper, and as such contains completely fictional articles. No articles or quotes are truthful by any means and should not be conceived as such. All photos courtesy of the Internet (public domain) and staff. Any questions can be directed to the Webmaster at garbageman@brandeis.edu.

Students you would never dream of coming to Brandeis have accidently been invited to a day usually reserved for the last picks on local softball teams.

BY TONY McMAHON

Foreign Exchange Student

   

  

 

The Brandeis Point causes chaos at the Aramark Stock Exchange.