Foolish people of Earth, time and time again you have failed to comply
with my (perfectly reasonable) demands. And I would have crushed you
all like flies on the windshield of a 1993 Toyota Corolla, if not for
the damnable meddling of that accursed Mr. Bond and his cronies. But
now I have a plot so evil, so clever, so unstoppable, that there's
nothing - NOTHING - you can do about it!
You see, I've created a little game I'd like you to try. It's called
"Before I Kill You, Mr. Bond..." and is published by Cheapass Games.
In this card game, you, the player, take on the persona of an eeevil
villain, such as myself. You must build up a secret lair, by playing
lair cards from your hand. Each one represents a piece of dastardly
equipment you can have in your lair, such as Atomic Robots, a Pyramid
of Power, or (gasp) an Espresso Machine! Each of these items gives
you a certain number of "Lair Points."
So, you've begun building your lair, and are well on your way to
achieving complete and total world domination, when another player (or
you) decides to throw a monkey wrench in the proceedings by playing a
Spy into your Lair. If the Spy has more points than your Lair, he or
she will blow up your lair and escape (damn those Spies!). However,
if the Spy has an equal or lesser number of points to your Lair, you
catch the Spy! At this point, you can choose to kill them, gaining
the number of points that the Spy has.
However, I always like to have a bit of fun with my spies before I
kill them off, and so, you can choose to play Taunt Cards on the Spy.
For example, you can ask them, "What's Wayne Newton reeealy like?"
But beware, for each Taunt Card has a letter on it, and if another
player has the matching letter, your Spy will escape while you are
busy Taunting them, and blow up your Lair to boot! But if you
successfully taunt the spy and then kill them, they are worth double
the number of points they were before.
"Before I Kill You, Mr. Bond..." is a most excellent way to kill an
afternoon, or an evening, or even a week. It is even more fun if you
role-play an evil villain while you play the game. An average round
will take about 10 minutes. The only downside to this game is that
playing with more than, say, three villains makes it hard for anybody
to build up a substantial lair.
But that is neither here nor there. "Bond" is a most dastardly and
excellent game, which you should play immediately. And once you do,
that's when my evil plot begins to unfold. You see, I have printed
subliminal messages in the cards, which will cause you to blindly
follow any instructions that come from me. Soon, you'll all be my
slaves! Bwahahahahahaha ---- *CRACKLE* *STATIC*
Hi, this is Joe Sharkey, representing United Artists, Inc.
Dr. Mayhem's card game "Before I Kill You, Mr. Bond..." was an
infringement of our copyright on the James Bond properties, so we had
it pulled from store shelves everywhere. In an act of unusual charity
and kindness, my company (God knows why) has allowed those morons at
Cheapass Games to sell off all their remaining copies of the Bond
game. Since this is the first offense, we'll let them go. Just don't
let us see you guys doing it again! Oh, and by the way, if you see a
used copy of "Before I Kill You, Mr. Bond..." floating around
anywhere, be sure to pick it up. It's great fun, and the wife and
kids love it.
You can email Dr. Mayhem at: natb@brandeis.edu
